bad parenting anecdote

The other day, my wife and I took our daughter to a playground to meet a little friend.

The two girls, my daughter Daisy and her friend C (won't use her whole name for privacy's sake), walked off to a grassy field near the playground. I followed them to keep an eye on them, keep them safe, etc. They asked me to play with them, though they didn't know what to do exactly. I suggested a game in which I attempted to run to the top of a small platform at the end of the field, while they tried to tag me before I got there.

I began to run, dodging and moving in circles as they chased and laughed, and eventually I slowed down for them to tag me. At that point, my daughter Daisy said she wanted to try to run to the platform. She began, and I feebly chased her while letting C pursue her. C and Daisy are very similar in that they are very tentative in "tagging," preferring observation and reflection to quick action. In any case, Daisy -- not so fleet of foot -- did manage to get to the platform before C could tag her. C, blissfully unaware that her tag meant little after Daisy had arrived at the top, tagged her and smiled several seconds after Daisy's triumphant ascent. Daisy asked if she had "won," and I said, well, yes, she got to the platform without being tagged.

C began to wail in sadness, crying in disappointment over her "loss." I felt terrible for her and so said, "Well, no, C DID tag Daisy so she didn't lose." But then Daisy responded, "But that means I lost!," and she began to cry. Two weeping children were the result of this seemingly innocent "game"! I feebly attempted to fashion a narrative in which both children had won. It had limited effect; Daisy had stopped crying, but poor C (very tired, I think) was inconsolable. Luckily her dad came by and soothed her, but it was horrible to see how happy kids can be one instant and made miserable the next.

Now, many people would respond that this is just what happens with kids. At worst, this is a kind of funny story of an inept Dad stymied by two irrational kids. However, I think there might be more to the story. Everything was fine until the element of competition -- of winning and losing -- was artificially introduced. Daisy and C both felt crushed by the idea that somehow they had failed or been bested. I can't help but think back to my reading of Alfie Kohn's "No Contest," a book which argues, claiming the authority of verifiable empirical evidence, that competition is inherently destructive of relationships and confidence and in fact -- contrary to cliches -- does NOT make us better at tasks or more productive, that (in fact) it most often decreases productivity and worsens individual and group performance.

I know many would disagree with such a statement, as we are often wedded to the idea that competition brings out the best in us or gives us incentives to achieve, even that it's "ingrained" in us. Whatever the case may be, Kohn does a pretty thorough job both providing mountains of evidence to challenge (in most cases refute) that notion and showing that claims for the value and efficacy of competition have virtually no verifiable evidence behind them. I don't know if Kohn is right -- in order to endorse his views, I'd have to read responses to his work and arguments on the other side, which I have not. Plus, the book is decades old and may well have been challenged or debunked.

So I don't know if competition is inherent or if it's good or bad for us. However, this anecdote (and it's just one, of course) seemed to support the argument that the introduction of competition can disrupt or corrupt a healthy situation, making me wonder how much frustration and sadness kids feel simply because we impose such structures on them without thinking.

Or maybe the kids were just tired....